this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
