I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize