I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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