Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
