Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
