the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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