i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize