WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
