im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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