Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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