New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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