did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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