I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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