At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
