just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I need to align my fucking chakras
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
