I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
