Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize