Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
A bitchslap is in order.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
