Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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