Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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