I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
