a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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