I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
