I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
