oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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