i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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