i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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