I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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