got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
