every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
