Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
