I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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