I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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