I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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