I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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