i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
