I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
