I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
