she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
