i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
