I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Randomize
