she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
