I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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