Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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