everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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