I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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