This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
