fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
