I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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