The maid of honor just puked.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
