The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
