She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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