I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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