I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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