Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
