I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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