you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
