Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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