We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
