I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
